If I didn't know better, I would say my mother cast a spell on me. You know, one of those, you-will-be-a-mother-one-day-too spells. I do know better, however. My 14 year old has finally compelled me to call my mom and apologize for being a child who was always so, let's say, quick to speak.
I vividly remember the day when Mum gave me the mother of all back-handed slaps that stings to this day. If I could launch a protest, I believe I would win hands down.
Mum had always taught us to persevere in everything we do. She consistently told us we were good enough, insisting that when one door closes, we should find another door, window, crack or crevice to access what we wanted. In Sierra Leone, there wasn't a cold spell to force us indoors but we still rocked to the rhythm of Bob Marley's "Coming in from the Cold", singing "When one door is closed, don't you know, other is open". We were proud of the lesson to work hard and thankful for a mother who told us to never take no for an answer. "When someone tells you NO, keep going till someone else says YES!" There was no footnote to that so my ten year old mind embraced this lesson literally.
You've probably already guessed why my face still stings many years later. I cannot remember what exact treat I'd wanted so desperately that I was willing to put Mum's lesson to a test. I'd asked her for permission to get a snack and she'd said no. Not to worry, I had to persevere. So, I asked Dad and as usual, whatever we asked Dad for, we got with the usual, "nor tell you mammi natin oh" (don't tell your mother anything). I was floating through the house defiantly, enjoying my treat, when Mum asked me why I had the snack even though she told me not to get it. Smart little Vic proudly said, "Dad said I could have it." You can imagine how the conversation went:
Mum: I already told you no, why did you ask your father?
Me: Mum, you told me to never take no for an answer and when someone tells you no, you should keep going till someone else says yes.
Imagine that! I was determined to show her that I listened to her lessons. Mum never told me that there was an exception to this rule. Let's just say I am thankful that I lived to tell this story.
Fast forward to 2013. That sassy little girl is now a mother; a mother of a teenager who fails to realize her mother was once a teenager; my Lil African who knows so much. I taught my daughter at a very tender age that she could say anything that was on her mind, to anyone, as long as she did it in a respectful manner. Over the years, I have been reminded over and again, that she listened.
I changed her cell phone number recently and she was busy texting her friends to pass on the new number when I reminded her to send the number to her aunts, uncles and cousins. I was behind the eight-ball. She had already done that.
"Mom, why do I have to keep these other numbers in my phone?" I gave her a puzzled look that said I wasn't a mind reader and she went on to tell me she was referring to my friends, "aunts and uncles" who never contacted her. "Baby, they ask about you whenever I talk to them. You should reach out to them sometime." That's when my baby decided to remind me she had been attentive to multiple lessons from me.
"Mom, I don't mean to be rude but they can call me sometime too. The phone works both ways."
"Little girl," I said, "you are the child so you have to be humble and initiate the contact sometime."
"Mom, you always tell me that just because I am a child doesn't mean adults shouldn't respect me. If they at least call or text me sometimes, I would call them too."
At that moment, I had flashbacks of how my mom would have responded, but I quickly composed myself. She was right and she had shared her opinion in a respectful manner.
This Lil African routinely asks me about people who have been introduced to her through my network. In instances where she hadn't heard from or about someone in a while, her question would always begin with "whatever happened to...?" We would wonder together. In other cases where she feels connected, she would ask if I have talked to those people recently. In those cases, I would almost always respond with a "Yes". These are primarily the people who make it a point of reaching out to her on her birthday, just-because-I'm-thinking-of-you days, I-haven't-heard-from-you days, I-miss-you days, I'm-returning-your-call days, and thank-you-for-your-beautiful-message days.
Mine is a very thoughtful child who always finds ways to wow others. Her comments made me realize that she was aware of those who expressed concern by trying to stay connected to her and responded to her attempts to reach out. And she reamembers promises made and not kept. This child sends out some of the most thoughtful messages on Mothers Day, Fathers Day, and especially at midnight on New Year's Eve. I learned that some of the recipients of the messages take the time to acknowledge her and others don't. While all of these thoughts were racing through my mind, my child added, "Remember, Mom, you've taught me that no one has the right to treat me as if I don't matter." Well look at this! My child has been listening and she is growing up, sharing my own lessons with me. I clearly understand her sentiments and respect her right to express them in a respectful manner.
If you did not get that annual New Year's Eve text message this year, or if you've never gotten one of those awe-inspiring messages from her, this may be an opportunity to reach out to a child in your life who you haven't made the time to connect with. Remember, the phone works both ways. Lesson learned and shared...respectfully!
~~Vic~~
Very insightful!
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