Answering the Charge to Love

So many things come to mind when I think about love.  As I try to recount all of them, one of the primary things that hit me is the frequency with which I hear the word “love” or the combination of three very popular words, “I love you!”

All of us want to experience love in its most true, unabashed, wholesome form.  At some point in our lives, the quest for this experience takes us through all types of emotions, from exhilaration to unimaginable pain.   Our expectations of love have been shaped by the models of love we were exposed to.

At a recent event attended by men and women between the ages of 17 and 50, I listened intently to the varied, yet similar experiences being recounted across the room.  There was clearly a common theme in everything that was shared.  Each person just wants to be loved.  After a while, I gave in to my desire to remain silent, and instead challenged everyone to be forthright, at least with themselves, about what love really means.  What does love look like?  What does loving someone look like for you?  What does loving yourself look like? What does love really mean for each person?

Earlier today, I was on the phone with my childhood friend from across the world and our lengthy conversation prompted me to revisit the questions once again.  I have thought about those questions repeatedly and each time, I end up in the same place.  My Mum!

Whether it is motherly love, the love for a significant other, love of family, friends and strangers alike, or just an unbiased expression of love for any and everything, I often think of my Mum, the woman who first taught me about love by the way she lives her life.  I have to admit that I’ve told Mum, and many who would listen to my seditiousness, that God doesn’t make women like her anymore. 

I may not always agree with all of her demonstrations of love but I know, without reservation, that Mum is one of the most patient people I have ever known and she is a true personification of love.

When Dad found Mum, he truly found a good woman.  He found a godly woman, a virtuous woman, a true Proverbs 31 woman.  Even as they approach their 60th wedding anniversary in April 2013, Mum continues to demonstrate an unwavering level of love and support for Dad, sometimes to the chagrin of their children who are lovingly patient with him to a much lesser degree.

As I think of Mum and her example of love, I find myself thinking of a popular passage from I Corinthians that is recited at just about every wedding.   The same passage kept springing to mind each time I sat still enough to craft the responses to my own questions.  I embrace the opportunity to give and receive love freely, and experience the full benefit of this beautiful gift.  So, I have decided to personalize this passage and use it as a yard stick in my attempt to hold myself accountable.  Hopefully, this will encourage others to do the same.  

“I am patient and kind.”  I’m working on being more patient in my relationships. I am proud to say that being kind is effortless for me, especially with those I love.  The challenge comes from dealing with the fact that everyone does not operate from the same space I do, and may not always be willing to go the extra mile as I do.  My expectations for what is important to me and what I want are valid.  I also realize that it is quite okay that some of my expectations may be out of sync with the desires of my loved ones.  Being more patient would mean being intentional in how I reconcile what I expect with what they are willing to give, and figure if or how we can arrive at a compromise.

“I am not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.”   A relationship symbolizes a partnership, not a competition.  My genuine wish for those I love is for them to be happy and achieve all of their goals.  My commitment to making that happen never wavers, even if it means I have to excuse myself from their life.  Being jealous of a man I love, my family and my friends or being boastful of my achievements suggests there is competition.  That goes against what I believe partnerships should be.   Pride in our collective goals honors our partnerships and I am grateful to have had an example of a woman who is obedient to submitting to her husband as instructed, without shrinking in her abilities. 

“I do not demand my own way.”   I’ve always had a lack of tolerance for anyone who is passive and willing to give in to everything.  My desire is to create an environment that is both nurturing and supportive to those I love.  This includes prioritizing their needs while making sure mine do not go unmet.  I accept the challenge to consciously continue along this path and I’m thankful that Mum and Dad never allowed me to demand my own way. 

“I am not irritable, and I keep no record of when I have been wronged.”     

Being comfortable in my vulnerability doesn't come naturally for me.  When I feel hurt, experience betrayal or pain in an environment I feel is void of the support I need to heal, I often retreat into a protective shell.  My shell, or wall, may be masked by irritability or perceived anger.  Chipping through this shell is, too, a work in progress and each piece chiseled away offers an opportunity to move closer to experiencing the beauty of love.  This is where working in a true partnership helps.

“I am never glad about injustice but I rejoice whenever the truth wins out.”  Absolutely!  I am fiercely protective of those I love.  I have their back no matter what and I do not take kindly to them being treated unjustly.  Along those same lines, I have to be just in my dealings with those I love and I cherish the incalculable importance of honesty and truth.  The liberating power of truth and honesty cannot be understated. 

“I never give up, never lose faith, am always hopeful, and endure through every circumstance.”  I am a work in progress.  Giving up, losing faith and endurance through every circumstance comes easier when there is honesty, fairness and cooperation in a relationship.  The challenge to honor this comes from feeling slighted and dishonored by the very ones you are most vulnerable to in love.  In essence, this verse challenges me to dig deep and hold firm, as opposed to referring to my exit strategy in an effort to self-protect.  It inspires me to remain steadfast in addressing the things that may cause me to waver.

Ultimately, my desire is to experience love in its truest, purest form.   This requires a conscious effort to own this passage.  Personalizing it forces me to be present in my actions and how they affect my relationships.  Do my actions honor the one I love?  Do they contribute to the growth of my relationships or would it undermine the stability and security of my partner?  Do they reflect what my loved ones require in their personal growth, their mental, physical and emotional well-being?  Would it light up their eyes with a smile if they knew what I was doing, or light a ferocious fire that burns painfully through their hearts? 

Am I being patient and kind, or jealous, boastful, proud, rude and demanding?  Am I looking at the past to inspire the growth and health of my partnerships, or using it to be punitive?  Am I honest and truthful in my interactions, protecting the interest of the ones I love against all others, including myself?   Am I really thinking of giving up?

The wall has been lined for me with this measuring stick for a woman who intends to live and love honorably.  I accept the charge to work earnestly, one stair at a time, to straighten out the areas of this measuring stick that aren't quite aligned.  To paraphrase Toni Morrison, when the people I love walk into a room, do my eyes light up?

When I walk into a room, do your eyes light up?

~~Vic~~

Embarking on a Season of Gratitude

From every corner of Africa, to points all throughout the United States and the rest of the world, Christians are celebrating Ash Wednesday.  This holy day for Christians marks the start of Lent, and culminates with Christ's crucifixion and resurrection. 

Some approach this day with great reverence for what it signifies: the start of an intense period during which God's plan for our salvation is most evident.  Lent may present an opportunity for them to walk in spiritual consciousness, in appreciation for the unmatched sacrifice by the ultimate parent, our Almighty God.

Others who are not so spiritually connected, especially in the US, may look at this day as the day after Fat Tuesday, the end of Mardi Gras and a period that leads to Easter.  Easter's significance, in this case, may have a different resonance than the observance of Christ's resurrection.  Easter may be a day when all of the stores are closed; majority of America doesn't have to work and everyone gets dolled up in their finest to join their family at Big Momma's for dinner. 

For others yet, Ash Wednesday may start a period when they give something up; something that is considered a vice, a luxury.  Giving something up may be an outward demonstration of their sincerity in observing this holy period, to show appreciation for the 40 day period Jesus spent in prayer, fasting and reflection in the wilderness, in the midst of grueling temptations.

For me, Lent is a very special period that always reminds me of the importance of God's grace.  It reminds me of home, the place where I was introduced to the full realm of what the Bible means.  Home is the place where I was taught about the different seasons in the Bible: Pentecost, Advent, Septuagesima, Lent, etc.  It is the place where the foundation was laid for my belief in God.  Lent is the period which Dad said one should not indulge in anything remotely related to partying.

Lent represents a period of deep reflection.  A period of penance.  A time to abstain from material things that may interfere with one's spiritual growth. 

Lent is the period during which my birthday falls every year and so it always seems natural for me to approach it as an opportunity to reflect on the many blessings of my life's journey.  Celebrating my New Year, my birthday, is more important to me now than it's ever been before. 

Life has taught me that waking up in the morning is not a given.  I have learned that the little-big things I take for granted are indeed unique blessings that others crave.  The joys I celebrate and the challenges that strengthen me are not entitlements to which I am obligated.  With this in mind, I cannot think of a better time than this Ash Wednesday, to walk with intention in the spirit of gratitude for the next 40 days. 

Everyday comes with its own dose of challenges that sometimes make you cringe.  As we start this season of Lent, I am reminded of a very important lesson from my Grandmother, Ellen Cordelia Cole: Things could be so much better, but they could be significantly worse so be thankful for what you have.  Today, and for the remainder of these 40 days, I will celebrate those things for which I am especially thankful.

I could have the ultimate blessing in everything I do, and that would be awesome.  On the other hand, but for the grace of God, I could be in a position where I have nothing.  So, for the many things I am blessed with I say Thank You, Lord, for I am grateful.

And so starts a journey steeped in the humility of gratitude: Day One!

~~Vic~~

Divine Order! Everything Happens as it Should

I hold on to this belief firmly.  Some of us think we have to be involved in bringing about everything that happens in our lives.  That was my mode of operation before I was introduced to a quote from one of my favorite books, The Alchemist.  “The universe conspires in our favor.”

While having lunch with one of my mentors several years ago, she informed me that a colleague had been inquiring about me.   He’d asked questions about my character, personal and professional background, work ethic, business acumen.  I was surprised!  I knew the person, a vice president for the company were both of them worked.  I’d never given much thought to anything beyond interacting with him within professional boundaries.

As it turned out, plans were underway to replace the leader of a local organization.  Prospective replacements, including me, were being evaluated without our knowledge.  As we continued our conversation over lunch, my mentor reminded me that decisions were always being made and everyone needs an advocate who can represent their voice at the table. 

This message was reiterated several years later when I participated in a program for women in higher education administration.  I have never had aspirations to hold specific positions and my experience at HERS clarified my professional desires: to be in the circle of influence.  Last Thursday, I walked away from another visit with my mentor, smiling at how she had been positioned in places where I need an advocate.  Even in my absence, the universe still conspires in my favor.

In August 1997, a few weeks before Princess Diana’s tragic accident, I made a quick run to purchase items I needed for dinner the next evening.  Mum asked to join me for the drive across town but I assured her that waiting for her to get dressed would prevent me from getting to Georgetown Market on time.  She wasn’t too happy about my impatience but bid me safe travel.  Merely an hour later, Mum was standing over me in tears, as I lay in pain in a hospital emergency room.  After I left home, I was hit directly on the passenger side by a reckless driver.  What used to be the front passenger seat was now occupied by the mangled frame of the car and the dashboard rested squarely on my knees.  Mum would have been in that passenger seat but on that night, God’s divine order was in full effect.  The universe conspired in her favor.

Last week, I started working on a solution for a work-related issue.  I put things in motion for what seemed like the perfect solution to the problem.  Everything moved along very slowly and my schedule was jam packed with previously scheduled meetings.  My hope of solidifying all of the terms for the solution by January 31 quickly faded and late Friday night, it became clear that my sure-fire solution was not going to work.  I had to get back to the drawing board.

As I stood in line at the bank today, I received an email from a former employee.  It was clear that her account had been compromised.  I deleted the email and smiled calmly before placing a quick call to her.   She had been an excellent employee and one I knew could definitely provide the assistance I needed.  It turned out she is unemployed and in need of an opportunity. This was the solution I needed.  She had just learned that her account had been hacked but to me, it was divine order.  The universe had conspired in our favor.

We are so accustomed to doing things we believe will align all of our stars so that we can execute our perfectly laid out plans.  Life experiences, however, continue to teach me that everything will happen as it should.  Whether or not things happen the way we want, they happen as they should.

I am so grateful today for the lesson, especially because the universe conspired in favor of someone who woke up this morning and asked God to provide a means for her to take care of her son.  What she wasn’t even aware of was that God had already set in motion everything needed to answer her prayers.  I look back with gratitude at the automated out-of-office messages, the missed calls, the challenge coordinating calendars and the widely varied contractual terms I wrestled with all week.  I exited work mode last evening believing that I will identify a solution, and I did. 

I have been reminded once again that everything happens as it should.  Yes, the universe conspires in our favor.

Divine order!

~~Vic~~